Discipline without Disrespecting
by: Grandma Jeddah
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Make Obeying Easier . . . Make Discipline Simpler
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hitting or scolding? Ask Grandma Jeddah . . .
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Please submit your discipline quetions in the comments box at the end of the page.
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Q & A
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Sister Mistreats Her Kids
My Sis has 4 children. She shouts at her kids a lot and calls them names. I want to help her change her childrearing habits, but it’s hard because I'm still trying to change mine. My family generally thinks I have idealistic views about such things.
She compares her kids, indirectly most times. One of her girls is really good academically, while the other one struggles. My sis makes it very obvious, and I believe it’s affecting the one who struggles. It’s also affecting the daughter that is good academically, because she is slowly becoming rather full of herself and thinks she knows everything. I can see that they have different strong points and I know my sis knows this but academics is really important to her. The examples are numerous.
I'd like to make a change when I’m around them. I could use any tips on how to gently point out the effects of what she is doing. Although I have tried, you know how we get when people point out things in our parenting ways. I also want to help the kids. . . just be there for them. What can I say to them?
One daughter is a darling. She has great manners, always saying thank you and stuff like that. But she is terribly stubborn! If she's given a time out she gets up and walks away! When you ask her to do something in the form of discipline, she stares boldly at you for like a minute before she moves. It is infuriating I tell you. She is almost 6. How can I get through to her? Please Click Here for Reply
Son Misbehaving in Class
One of my boys has been behaving badly at school throughout the year, but apparently things have gotten worse during the last few weeks. I had a meeting with his teacher who claimed that he is a very bright boy, mashaAllah, he loves learning and often asks relevant questions etc... but finds it difficult to control his anger and finds it difficult to remain silent when he is supposed to be.
I am always stressing the importance of how a Muslim is supposed to behave. My husband, masha'Allah is a very good role model, always nice towards them (maybe too much) he is doing his utmost to emulate this on a daily basis. I try to communicate more with them individualy and find out what the root of the problem might be.
I am not claiming to be the best, but all this makes me feel like a failure. And my responsibility towards Allah, insha'Allah is to give them the required education, tarbiya to be a successful Muslim. I do want to hear from you. Please Click Here for Reply
Son Doesn't Like to Learn
My son is a calm and nice boy but finds no joy and pleasure in learning. I have tried to explain to him that unless he develops a true willingness to learn, learning is going to become a burden for him, and hence he will struggle. He
did not do well at all this school year.
He finds it very challenging to keep focused, and he gets very easily distracted. While his brothers read books daily, he does not enjoy it. He looks at the pictures and gets bored. He finds it difficult to follow instructions without my constant guidance. What can Ido??? Please Click Here for Reply
Daughter's Crying Difficult to Manage
I'm mother to a beautiful 2 year old girl. She's my first. I love her very much and wish to be the best mom I can be to her. I also wish to be her friend. I never knew my mom so this is really important to me.
My warm cuddly daughter is suddenly whiny and always crying. Once she doesn't get what she wants, she starts crying and won't stop. I was raised by a widowed father, a strict one too, and I find myself losing my cool and screaming at her. I scream at her more than I would like to. I hate it. I try hard not to smack her but I do when she spoils something I've asked her not to touch or stuff like that.
We live in a small room. This makes it hard to give effective time outs. How can I get her to listen to me and stop crying?! Her crying really ticks me off because she seems to think it’s going to get her what she wants. You can probably guess that she's crying right now as I type! Another thing is that, she has this slightly younger friend who sorts of bullies her. She always reacts by crying or screaming and I think that’s why the other child keeps picking on her. I told her to stand up for herself and tell the other child to stop when the child picks on her but now whenever they get together, they get into a screaming hitting match! I don't want my daughter to be a weak push over. I want her to be strong and confident yet compassionate and kind. I want to prepare her for life-it’s tough out there-but I don't want her to be mean or lose her innocence. Please help!
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Son Hides Cell Phone from Parents
My son is hiding his phone from us and is on Face book. How can I get him out of this habit?
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How to Give One-on-One with Many Children
I live in Holland and I am homeschooling my boys. So I find it hard to give them one on one time with me because they are with me every day walhamdoelilah. How can I give them the one-on-one time? Do you have some advice for me? I am convinced that hitting is not okay. They can obey without hitting, but I am trying to find out how, and that is why I am reading your book, and I am very happy with it, Alhamdoleilah.
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Son is Smoking
Assalamu Alaikum, Once again I need advice sister. I hope you can help me like always. My son has started smoking. I've been told by my sister but today he took his 8 year old brother with him telling me they are going to play. Then he went with his friend across the road and had a smoke in front of his brother. Please advise me on this as soon as possible. My son does not know that we know he smokes, because when I asked him, "Where were you playing?"he said "Behind the back ally."They were not there
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Daughter Throws Tantrums
I pray that with the grace of Allah SWT you are in good health and cheer. My daughter just turned one and I am struggling with how to discipline her. All the books I've read talk about reasoning and talking with children but she is too young for that. I try not to say "no" to her since I don't want that to be her first word and I also do not want it to lose its meaning and want to save it for dangerous things. I also never grab things from her - I always replace or use distraction. However now when I have to remove her from a situation that is dangerous she throws a tantrum and I don’t know how to handle it.
Could you please offer any suggestions to help since at 1 she understands but there is no reasoning?
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Son has Low Self-Esteem
Salam alaikum Grandmajeddah,
I am a mum of four boys mashaAllah and my eldest is very problematic. He's 11 years old and is due to go to secondary school in September.
The problem is that he has very low self-esteem, confidence; he hasn't got a strong personality and therefore can be easily influenced. I need to mention that he is overweight and I know that this might have contributed to all the above. I have tried to convince him to be more active and he’s doing a lot of sport: boxing, swimming and football. Similarly, I have adapted the family diet etc...
I am very worry about him and I am unsure of what else can I do to instill in him confidence.
Any tips would be as usual greatly appreciated.
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Son Gets too Moody
Assalamu Alaikum, I wanted your advice about my son. He has a phone that he chose for himself. As soon as he sees someone else with a new phone or anything else, he wants the same thing they have. When we tell him he can't have one because he already has one of his own choice, he makes faces and goes in his bedroom and stops talking and going out with us. The only way he talks and goes out with us is when we say yes to his request. How can I get him out of this habit? Please Click Here for Reply
Son Doesn't Accept "No" for an Answer
Can you please give me advice? If my son is pestering me about something he wants and I say no to him, he continues to ask me over and over again. He won’t listen to me. He will get very fussy, meaning in Urdu--ziddy.
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Son Difficult to Handle
I’m really worried for my son who is 12. He does not listen. He is stubborn, angry, aggressive, and especially naughty in school. He fights with his sister all the time, disrespects her and thinks since he's older he can do that. He doesn’t like studying at all. He just wants to play video games, and he’s on his phone all the time. He doesn’t like spending time with his family. In school, he hangs about with older boys. He disrespects his teachers and I receive phone calls from school nearly every day telling me he is naughty. I don’t know what to do. I’m really stressed. Help me please.
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Mom has Problem Being Patient with Children
Assalamu Alaikum. I'm a mother of 5 young children, ages 9 to 6 weeks old and I COULD USE SOME MAJOR HELP! I know I have to change myself first but it would be useful to get some support and advice.
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Daughter Starting to Act Out
Assalamu Alaikum. Dear Grandma Jeddah, I have 2 daughters. My older daughter is going to school. I have noticed negative behavior in her is increasing (like throwing things away, shouting at us, even raising her hand (she doesn't hit but she raises her hand if we refuse something.) When she wants something, she will just stand there and won't move. If I force her to move she will start crying. We are financially struggling, so we don't invest much in them. And in order to stop her we have started to yell and scream at her. It's like a jungle in my house. We are moving soon and I am worried how she will react when we go to our new location. Please help me. Give me a few tips that can help me so she will respect me and I will not have to shout at her all the time and feel embarrassed. JazakAllahukhair.
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Mother has Problem Controlling Anger
The problem I struggle most with is how to deal with my own anger. I have been brought up in a very strict home myself, and it somehow affects my ability to stay rational and calm when my children do major things like painting the outside walls with crayons and fingerpaints, or deliberately dropping a glass of water on the carpet to see what happens (my 2-year-old did that today and got a smack on her bottom). Also, I am trying very hard to use the "naughty corner" as a time-out. My eldest child is 4-years-old, and she fully understands what it means, yet she breaks rules that she knows are in place already. For example, we have a no-jumping-on-the-bed rule. And when she has friends over, she jumps on the bed with them. I did speak to her after her friend left, and she said she wouldn't do it in the future.
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Daughter Bites
My Daughter is a biter. Do you know what I can do to get her to stop?
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Assalamu Alaikum Mom,
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